Little Miss Apple Pie

It's January and where are we? We seemed to have gone back to where we started. Video calls and text messages... Though the only difference is, this time there's no us. No kissing emoticons, no sweet texts and no 'I love you's'.

My decision to have my tattoo this evening was made out of the blue. Though I've planned to do it for nearly two years, I guess I never really had the courage to do it until now. I was talking to Mike on iMessage when mom asked me to do it today. I guess part of the reason why I did it today amongst all other days was because of Mike.

In the last few weeks, we have been in contact. I've no idea why but he seems to have more free time lately, that he even took the time to call me via-Facetime for two weekends. Last night, he even let me watch him play live for the first time...

I must admit, that after all this time I still get butterflies like I did every time we talk before. Among all the men I've dated, it's with Mike that I never lost that feeling with. He's just different in a way I myself could not explain. Perhaps, I just love him still regardless of our breakup...

Hence the tattoo...

Though, I've long decided on the design, it's today that fate chose for me to do it. I took it as a sign that I've grown stronger as a person to finally face my fears and still keep my hopes up for a positive future regardless of the guarantee.

To teach myself to be carefree and unexpecting is not such an easy task for I've been a dreamer all my life. I've had my head on the clouds for so long that facing reality and breaking free from my thoughts took longer than it should have. But I am happy.

I am happy that I can find happiness in the most little thing. That I appreciate life and living it better than before. I've finally unleashed my inner wanderlust and started traveling and charging into the unknown. I love it.

I guess, the whole experience of losing Mike has taught me more about life than that I've learned in the past two decades. I thank him for that... for giving me the chance to discover myself and what I truly want to do and most importantly to love truly and unconditionally.

Shall the good Lord give us another chance in the near future, I know I'll be ready. I'll be better. For not only have I got my feet on the ground but I've also learned to love myself.

I know people would say that I'm expecting for nothing but I have a strong feeling about things lately and I know better than to trust what they say. I'm in the point of my life wherein I trust myself more than others. I'm proud of myself for that.

Freedom. Hope. Love.

I still believe in life regardless of all the disappointments, the pain, grief and despair. There's more to life than the pain it brings and it has brought. I've learned to embrace it and I've never been happier.

As each track passes me by
So did all the memories we chose to leave behind
One song plays after another
Telling stories of our distant past
I drifted off to the very first night
You held me tight in your arms
Each memory progressed right before my eyes
Somehow, as a familiar track played
I wondered why you couldn't have just stayed
Now as the playlist comes to an end
I've come to the realization
That what just happened was but a story
About how we loved, how I lost you
And how much I wanted to erase
All traces of you.

If I could only

Every night I religiously asked for you to be kept from all harm.

And if by chance you have found someone new, I also prayed that deep inside, a part of you will think of me, too.

Days that we shared, the love I gave may you always remember that I loved only you.

And if that new found love begins to falter, breaks your heart all over again,

come back to me.

Come back anytime you want and I'll surely take you back with loving arms.

I looked down
I held in my hands
A half-empty cup
Slowly swirling down
To an endless stream
Of could have been's
Trying to control and stop
Emerging hopes and dreams
Knowing for a fact that
It's all they will ever be

In your eyes, I've danced for a while
Let you see what and who I truly am
I let all my guards down
Thinking that it isn't such a crime
I devoted all of my time
Yet, I have made you fear of yourself
I must have hurt your pride
Made you fear of life
So now, you let another
Dance before your eyes

What makes it so painful is that 

Slowly, I struggled to find my phase
While I tried to focus on the road
And make up my goal once and for all
I shall run to stop and clear my head
Of all the memories, of the features of your face
I shall run and soon, I will do it fast
Hoping as I do, I'll leave behind
Everything I miss about you.

I've always sang of love and written about it long before I felt it.
Romanticism is something that is as complex as its substance.
To love, is something that can never be explained by all senses.
Not even by words, nor melody can describe its eternal complexities.
Yet here we all are, writing and singing of undying love, professing it
Whilst we ourselves do not understand it,
When we do not even have it.
But I guess, it's human nature to pretend to know what is beyond
Our own understanding.
Besides, what we know is always way behind of what we truly feel.
And I guess, that's the magic of love.
We are only limited by words, melodies, colors and strokes.
Perhaps, making art is how we deal with it.

You follow me everywhere as if you've nothing else to do.
Light as you seem, you're a burden to me.
Though, perhaps it isn't you that I find burdensome.
But the nostalgia you always bring when you're around.
And though you're but a series of photograph of happy days,
Your face haunts me like a ghost and I see you everywhere I go.
You follow me like a shadow.

It's hard to imagine
How we have come to this

How once was the one
I admire

Now I seem to deplore

You stood there and spoke
Naively

Thinking it's okay
To still cling to me

I'd rather have you say

That you no longer
Feel the same

Than sit here and listen
As you speak

All the while you watch me bleed

The saddest part is that
I have fallen for you
Deeper than I have intended to

Je t'aime
I whispered

Silence
That is all I heard

This is my last forlorn attempt
I will no longer be taking
Another step

I've looked like a fool
For long enough
And you chose not to see it

I'm tired of having my heart broken
I'm not taking this chance with you
I'm going to build this wall again

This time I won't let you
Hurt me further
Damage me deeper

I'm exhausted
I don't want to be
Just another victim

So I'll take a stance
You've wasted your chance
Now pay for the price

It's funny how love
Can turn our worlds
Upside down
So I'd like to understand
And find out why
What was once
Brought us joy
Can easily leave us
Out in the cold

As long as I remember
I held your hand till the end

Even when my world has become somber
My love continued to transcend

And even when you have departed
Leaving me in vain

There were just too much of you
That is left here
And thinking about them
I just cannot refrain

In Retrospect, I guess I can say
That you truly are
Forever my weakness

I guess it is true, then
That one's departure is indeed
An entrance to severance

Have you ever heard of the tale
of how the wolf loved the moon?


Look outside, up in the sky
and you'll hear him howl soon.


He goes out every night hoping to see her
For as long as he can remember


And when the moon comes shining bright
That one time in a month


He howls for a love
That he can never touch

I check our old messages every once in a while and it took me a minute to realize that it has been a while.

It's such a shame that we have allowed time to pass us by without even saying goodbye.

This should have been such a relief and I should be glad but our silence and pride only brought more tears in these eyes...

When I ask if you can, you'll tell me you can't and when your turn comes to ask me, I decline.

We're hardly ever on the same page anymore, we hardly laugh at the little things and most of all, we can no longer appreciate anything.

You have ties and so do I  and though I try to make time, sometimes I feel you're not doing your part

So I stop.

Since when did we become so selfish? I would ask myself.

But then it also got me thinking, have we even started giving?